Forgiveness: A Fine Art That Makes Your Life Easier. I will never forgive you for this! – This is a sentence that each of us has probably thought of at least once. It is often accompanied by feelings of sadness, grief, disappointment, anger, or resentment.
It is not nice to be hurt. But the problem is: even if you are not at all to blame for the hurt, you will suffer from it yourself. Depending on the severity and extent, it can affect your whole life. It can destroy a relationship that is important to you. It can deprive you of sleep and limit your energy and joy.
Therefore, if you do manage to forgive, it can bring you an enormous amount of freedom.
Forgiveness does not only refer to other people. The things that we constantly reproach ourselves for can also have a profound influence on our lives.
In this article, you will learn what forgiveness means, why it is so difficult and at the same time so important – and of course how you can best learn to forgive.
Forgiveness: A Fine Art That Makes Your Life Easier
What does forgiveness mean?
In a nutshell, forgiveness means that you release someone from the accusation of guilt.
In psychology, forgiveness (or the similar word forgive) is considered an extremely valuable strategy for dealing with the consequences of internal or external hurt.
The best thing about it is that this process has to do with yourself first and foremost. It is an inner process (almost a state of mind) that works regardless of whether the other person regrets their “offense”, acknowledges the guilt, or even apologizes.
Those who forgive and forgive bring the power back to themselves. Forgiveness also always means accepting what was – and making peace with it.
And before you misunderstand me: you can release a person from guilt and find peace without having to relativize or excuse the act.
Forgiveness: A Fine Art That Makes Your Life Easier
Why it is so difficult for us to forgive
There are several reasons why we find it so difficult to forgive.
With “minor” offenses, it often has to do with our pride. Our ego thinks for itself, “Surely I can’t forgive this person, then I’m justifying him or her!” Because our ego loves to be right.
This is sometimes accompanied by a (conscious or unconscious) fear of giving the other person absolution, so to speak, to carry out the behavior again.
Always remember: It is very laudable to forgive or pardon another person to let him or her off the hook. However, you do it primarily to put your soul at rest.
Of course, there is another, deeper level to why forgiveness is not always easy. It has to do with the feelings we are not (yet) ready to feel.
If we are angry with someone but don’t admit the anger to ourselves, then we will not be able to forgive freely. Or if a certain sadness has not found its space yet. The feeling is still stuck, so to speak.
A nice paraphrase for the word “emotions” is “energy in motion”. When you consciously decide to forgive and to forgive, usually the emotions that come with the “wound” are also set in motion and can heal.
That is why it is essential to understand forgiveness not only as lip service or a superficial thought. It only works if the emotional level is involved.
An important note: We believe that there are good techniques and methods to forgive. At the same time, we know that the human psyche is an incredibly subtle and ingenious construct.
If you have not yet reached the point where you can forgive something that has affected you, then there will be reasons for that. There are tools, but true forgiveness cannot be forced.
Just accept it as it is and please don’t judge yourself for it. Forgive yourself even if you can’t forgive yet.
Forgiveness: A Fine Art That Makes Your Life Easier
Why it is so important to be able to forgive
Let’s still talk about why it is so important to be able to forgive.
Every time you feel that you have been wronged, you put yourself in a victim role. You give up the steering wheel of your life.
You are burdening yourself with a psychological burden that in the long run depresses your mood and can limit your well-being. In severe cases, even physical symptoms can occur.
Ongoing anger, frustration, and thoughts of revenge can have a negative effect on your heart rate, metabolism, and immune system. These changes in turn increase the risk of diseases such as depression, heart disease, and diabetes.
Classic symptoms include:
- Exhaustion
- Susceptibility to infections
- Tension
- Headaches
- High blood pressure
- Stomach pain
- Back pain
- Sleep disorders
Forgive yourself
The best place to start is with yourself. An incredible number of people have a strong self-judgment program.
These can be things that only affect us – for example, when we think we have made a wrong decision in life. Or when we do something “wrong” again and again.
The classic example: going to the sweet cabinet again and taking out a bar of chocolate, even though we don’t want to because we know that it only satisfies our brain for a short moment, but has rather negative consequences in the long run.
At the same time, things that we have “done” to other people can also weigh us down.
As long as you do not forgive yourself, you will be stuck in feelings of guilt and shame. These feelings will ensure that you never walk through life as freely as you could. It will have a lasting effect on your health and happiness.
If you want to go deeper, here is a good article on the topic of Getting over the Past, which also deals with how to get over the past and move on in life
Forgiveness in the partnership
One area of life where the issue of forgiveness comes up very often is, of course, relationships. Infidelities, affairs, not having enough time for the other person, etc.: There is a lot of potential dynamite when we live very closely with another person and are very emotionally involved.
You don’t have to say yes and amen to everything your partner does. If there is a strong violation of your values, you must always ask yourself – if only for reasons of self-respect – whether you want to go further in the relationship.
If the answer is “yes”, then it is essential to forgive. Only then can you meet each other again in an emotionally free way and build a fulfilling relationship.
But of course, it sometimes takes time until you can forgive.
And even if you draw a line because a boundary has been crossed: As long as you don’t forgive, you continue to carry the emotional burden around with you.
Forgiveness: A Fine Art That Makes Your Life Easier
Forgive other people for their mistakes
No human being in the world is without fault. Every person tries as best as they can to make it in this life.
Once again, this does not mean that we relativize deeds. A crime is a crime. A betrayal in partnership is a betrayal.
If someone keeps making you feel bad with their actions – no matter how subtle – that’s not cool. This needs to be addressed and not swept under the carpet.
But you create a great deal of personal freedom for yourself when you manage to forgive other people – and as I said, really regardless of whether they show remorse or apologize. Do it first and foremost for yourself!
How can you forgive?
In the following, I would like to show you a few impulses and techniques that can make it easier for you to forgive.
1. recognize the history of another person
This tip is not a “technique”, but rather a mindset. You can apply it to yourself, but also to other people. For example, concerning our parents or our partnerships, it is powerful.
How would you act if you were in his/her shoes? If you experienced what they experienced? If you grew up as they did?
Especially when it comes to character traits we don’t like in others or situations and decisions that have hurt us a lot, this can help a lot. You don’t have to tolerate or approve of anything. But you can always – in every second of your life – forgive.
Basically, it’s about developing compassion. The ego, the pride may be screaming, “That person doesn’t deserve that!”. Maybe she doesn’t either. What are the standards we apply?
But one thing is certain: if your highest goal is to be happy, then it shows a very mature character to look at other people from the point of view of empathy. It is supremely pragmatic to forgive other people their faults. It brings lightness.
2. be good to yourself
What we discussed in the previous paragraph also applies – and perhaps even more so – to yourself. Your history has shaped you into the person you are today, with all the positive qualities and at the same time with all the rough edges.
What about compassion towards yourself?
Honestly, you have always given your best at every moment of your life. If things had gone better, you probably would have done better, wouldn’t you?
What haven’t you forgiven yourself for yet? Where is it really time for you to let go of something? What is it about yourself that you don’t like and that keeps causing resentment or perhaps self-rejection to rise in you? 3.
Make conscious decisions and take your time!
We have already mentioned this before. When you make a conscious decision to forgive, you set processes in motion that can also have a very liberating effect emotionally – even if you sometimes have to feel previously suppressed feelings first.
If unresolved guilt (concerning yourself or others) weighs heavily on you, then tell yourself very clearly that you want to address this issue. For example, write it down on a piece of paper or in your diary.
But also know that some forgiveness processes do not happen overnight. Sometimes it takes a slow approach and testing to see how far you have come. Give yourself all the time you need.
Conclusion: Forgiveness means strength. No matter what the issue is, when you forgive, you are always in the driver’s seat.
We have learned in this article that it can be very difficult to forgive because of our pride or even strong feelings. And yet it is so extremely important. Especially for yourself. Resentment held towards yourself or others is like a backpack full of stones that will keep you down and keep pulling you down until you finally unpack the stones.
I hope that you can forgive more easily with these tips and thus bring a lot of inner peace, lightness, and joy into your life.